Jayne and I are expecting our first little baby in about 4 weeks. There are a lot of things I can relate to in life, and dig up the associations, and feelings, but fathering a child, cleaning its butt, looking at a child with my own reflection, along with my wife, is not one of them. I can relate to people going through suffering, I can relate to people driving Jeeps, guys trying to walk out their story as a man.
I can relate and understand in part many things, but one of them is not being a baby, or having a baby. And I have never been a father. I mean, I guess I have offered in part the heart of a father to the young men we work with at Training Ground. But that is ages 18-25. So I am doing everything in reverse. I am starting with a child in an age I can't recall, and have never had to do. I have never wiped a dirty diaper. Or dressed a little girl. Or gazed at something that is literally part of me.
I went into the nursery the other day, and it just all kind of hit me. This was my future. I looked at all these little dresses and colors, and I saw my impending fate. I am a father. I have been for the last 8 months. But as that head pokes out, I think there it will finally hit me. and as she gets swadled in pink, and we drop her in the crib, it will all rush in. Do I have any idea what I am doing? Have I really read much? Listened to the parenting classes or all the advice? Well, kind of. But since I dont really get it, that this is all happening, its hard to really take in something.
I dont know what to expect. But I tell you. Jayne is ready. and I think I am getting there too. We looked at each other a few months back and admitted we were kind of bored in life. Not that we dont have a good life, but just a bit boring. I get the sense whatever is coming through and peeking out, she will not be boring.
And so I am told to rest. Rest as much as I can. sleep. go on dates. enjoy the last remaining days. your life will never be the same. I toast to that.