From a story awhile back...
A man told me that I needed to start asking God for gifts. Stop trying to buy my own. It was kind of a weird thing to ask God. For stuff. Replace my Americanized, spoiled, entitled, and full of stuff life, for his stuff.
He wasn’t talking about praying for treasures in heaven, but a few things here and now. A real gift or two.The thought of doing that at first, sounded even worse than just buying it on my own. But his point was, stop arranging your life, and treating yourself, and start letting God do that for you if he wants. Let him give you things. Putting your desire for what you wanted, giving it to Him, instead of your own pocketbook.
It sounded crazy. But I decided to give it a try.
When I went into a store, and saw something, normally I just bought it. I found a way to justify it, like, I need this. Or I really need this. And I still kinda did that. But started feeling more guilty realizing what a selfish bastard I really was. The way the whole thing went down is that I would get something, feel horrible for not asking God, think about it later. And feel even more like a scum bag.
But finally, after enough of this. I did try it. About one time out of ten. I prayed a short prayer, would you get me that? Would you bring it back around if it was something I could have?
I probably did, and did not do this for a good six months. And I really assumed it wasn’t working, and this whole thing was a sham, and God didn’t want me in this stuff anyways. There was so much more important things to be giving people, than more stuff for me.
But then one day out of the blue, a friend and I were coming down from the mountains when he said he wanted to stop at the fly shop. I said, “great. There is one right here.” And then I said, “why?” And he said, “I want to buy a fly vice.” And it sounded weird, because I knew he already had one. And then he said, “its for you. God told me to buy it for you.”
I kinda was stunned. Just stared at him. I felt really like a jerk, because I knew I wanted one. And I thought it was almost like a sick game, that it was happening. I’m getting what I want. I’m getting what I asked for. You selfish man, you.
The truth was, that I had been at the fly shop about 5 times looking at this one vice. I would look at it through the display case, drooling, and staring. Hoping. If it wasn’t so expensive, my guess is that I might have bought it, but I felt bad enough for blowing so much, and so I had prayed, and still desired that somehow it might come around. I just was shocked it was happening.
I kinda thought he was in on it. I thought I must have told him at some point I wanted it. Maybe it was this guy trying to fulfill that desire of mine or something. And so I asked, and he said, no, I didn’t know that. And I thought about it more, and it just kinda blew me away. God was giving me a vice through this man. God was giving the guy with so much stuff, more stuff.
I had felt like Jabba the Hut with gear. A giant stomach saying, “feed me.” But I came to see this one was different. This gift was different than all the ones I had bought myself.
All the other stuff started collecting in the corner, while this vice was kinda on display. Everytime I looked at it, there was something so special about it. When I tied a fly, and looked at the pictures of my fishing pictures, they had such a meaning. I wasn’t sure if God was in all the other purchases but I knew he was in this one. I had a vice from God and a man. I had asked for it. And instead of buying it on my own, God had given it to me.
The weird thing about it was I didn’t need to buy as much gear. I just kinda slowed down my purchases. Thought twice, and thought about my wife, and our needs, and savings. Stopped acting so much like a boy. Things started to somehow lose their appeal. I think it was because I started feeling like God, might take care of me. Maybe I really could trust him with my stuff. He would come through. He would show me the way. The power of things were a little less, and the power that God was a father, and would give me good gifts, felt a little stronger than before.
It was if, knowing God would provide, was the thing I had been wanting all alone. The gift was great, but the greater meaning of someone that I could trust. Beyond me.