Making a person.

I am still so caught in the mystery of the making of a person. Meaning how two people, make one really tiny person. it is what happens every day, but somehow when you make your own, it all makes sense.

I seem to have spent the majority of my life, building stuff. as a boy it was legos. a little older and I was working on complete baseball card sets. then it was a remote control car. then a salt water reef aquarium eco system in my room. then other things. i am tinkering with a business right now, and growing a ministry. which gets me to tonight. laying on my bed, exhausted from what seems like a lot of building, a lot of making.

well, jayne and i have been sleeping with our little girl, kruzie in the bed. trying it out, her lying between us the last few nights. so here i go to lay my head, from what seems like 3 long years of making things, with a few pauses, and there is this little product of my and jaynes making.

it seems so surreal to me. so much work is required in making things. things break down. you need more money. problems occur. re-thinking, re-strategizing. it seems the natural part of anything creative is lots of work. it requires a lot, and you have to put in the sweat. nothing just happens. but that to me, is the greatest mystery of lying next to this little girl. I helped make her. but it was probably the simplest making ever.

and maybe that is what is so complex to me. the most amazing, unique, and remarkable creation, is a person. and somehow, we do the deed, the stuff comes out, goes to the egg, and the rest, just happens. and then one day, you look over on your bed, and there is something created. that is alive. and real. and a soul. moving and breathing.

it is the most complex and intricate making. we make them. but, there is so much evidence, there is someone else so much more in the process than me. i think that is what is so amazing, while everything else is prone to break down, and rust, and come apart, without attention, this little one is growing, and changing, and while there is plenty of hands on, and doing, it is like this natural thing God has set up. God makes it all grow.

I am not sure if this is "making" sense. But I think I feel so grateful that God is growing this little girl. most of what I make, tends to fall apart, at some point. and yet, there is such evidence, not this time, not this one. I feel outdone. outdone. and yet, I feel so honored that I get to play a part in continuing to make her. make and grow her into what she was made for, and who she was made to be with. her little makers (mom and dad) and her Big Maker.

I just had to get back up from the bed, and say that.

Take the pacifer.

My wife and I over the past few days brought home our much anticipated daughter, Kruzie from the hospital. It is hard to put all the words and emotions to her. She does some pretty basic things that would not make you blink if it were from a dog, or a person, but when it is your own, to watch her sleep, or even push out a "dirty" you can't help but see her as adorable. We are blessed, and so enjoying this new little one. I am excited to see how it will change our life.

There are so many reflections to write. Good, bad, selfish thoughts, frustrations. Great joys. It is a flurry of places to go. But this morning I am starting at my little girl, and she wont take her pacifer. She is staring at me. Frustrated. What about, I could not tell you. I imagine its gas. Maybe she is too tired to sleep. Maybe she knows her father is thinking of other things, and not her. Kids are smart, right?

You see, I like to accomplish things. Do things. And I tell you, a baby is like the anti- of all those things. It is a great juxtaposition for my life. She is staring at me. Beckoning me back, asking me to look at her. She has no words. Just kinda these sweet grunts. She can't even smile yet. Now she is in my arms, as I try and balance her on my chest, while putting my hands to this computer. She is now about to fall off. Hold on.

Ok. better.

I did this the other night, balancing her on my knees. and working late into the night while she was asleep. I was told by Jayne that is unsafe. So I am going to put her back in her little baby seat thing next to me.

It would probably be easy to justify that this is the time of a babies life where momma is only needed. I can go on, and get things done, and try and make more money, so I can pay for all these things coming down the pipe. thats certainly what I feel. what seems the easy thing to do. work more and harder.

but I do love the issue of my two worlds. one that just wants me to stare at her. the other that requires my intellectual thoughts and management. I forgot the other. probably much like how I forgot God is wanting the same. to wait. to sit on the lap. and stare. and enjoy.

And so I want little Kruzie to take the pacifer, so she can be pre-occupied and I can get back to work. and on the other hand, it feels like a great thing I need more of. a baby who needs me. who just wants to stare at me. and I probably, honestly, just need to stare right back more. and enjoy. I can already see that being a great challenge in the years ahead. will I work with her on my lap. will I plug her into a pacifer, a DVD, a flurry of activities at school, and in life, or will I enjoy her. and be in her presence.

so, as you can imagine. I probably need to go do that.

How to respond to Haiti?

I have been pondering the great problems, and pain, and death in Haiti. And have wondered what is the appopriate response? Of course, mercy, Lord, mercy. But as they begin to ask the question what shall we do? And all the money comes into the country, what is the appropriate response?

There is one side... that this was God bringing judgement. Pat Robertson.

He got pretty slammed for bringing that up. It was a classic right-winger super conservantive comment. It would have come from someone, seems in this moments they are always looking for an uncompassionate christian to feed the angst. Robertson played into it perfectly. And his statements were quickly written off. How dare he?

Donald Miller offered another take. Saying Robertson didn't represent his voice. He offered a very articulate message about Jesus caring, and having compassion. And talking a lot about the issues of christian leaders today, and how they get into their position of leadership.

It felt weird to me. Because there is the old school thinkers of Roberton's era. Then my generation who gravitates to a voice similar to Miller. But as I read both, I felt they each made great points, and yet, they both had some truth to them. Could it be true there was something really dark to the Haitian culture, even propigated by our own colinialism? And could we bring compassion like Miller said, while thinking of this ias something incredibly dark, that Robertson could have been on to something?

I didn't know what to say, because obviously you have to back up it up, to make a response to a response. But then I read an article in the NY Times from a man outside evangelicalism, and who has little to gain in the voices of Christians, but just seemed to offer simple clarity. It was a mix of all the issues of what has happened to Haiti. And to me, would be a great image of what as Christians, those who feel called to go, and serve, and fight evil, would be worth reading...

Haiti and the Voodoo Curse by Lawrence Harrison