Sunday, February 14, 2010

Take the pacifer.

My wife and I over the past few days brought home our much anticipated daughter, Kruzie from the hospital. It is hard to put all the words and emotions to her. She does some pretty basic things that would not make you blink if it were from a dog, or a person, but when it is your own, to watch her sleep, or even push out a "dirty" you can't help but see her as adorable. We are blessed, and so enjoying this new little one. I am excited to see how it will change our life.

There are so many reflections to write. Good, bad, selfish thoughts, frustrations. Great joys. It is a flurry of places to go. But this morning I am starting at my little girl, and she wont take her pacifer. She is staring at me. Frustrated. What about, I could not tell you. I imagine its gas. Maybe she is too tired to sleep. Maybe she knows her father is thinking of other things, and not her. Kids are smart, right?

You see, I like to accomplish things. Do things. And I tell you, a baby is like the anti- of all those things. It is a great juxtaposition for my life. She is staring at me. Beckoning me back, asking me to look at her. She has no words. Just kinda these sweet grunts. She can't even smile yet. Now she is in my arms, as I try and balance her on my chest, while putting my hands to this computer. She is now about to fall off. Hold on.

Ok. better.

I did this the other night, balancing her on my knees. and working late into the night while she was asleep. I was told by Jayne that is unsafe. So I am going to put her back in her little baby seat thing next to me.

It would probably be easy to justify that this is the time of a babies life where momma is only needed. I can go on, and get things done, and try and make more money, so I can pay for all these things coming down the pipe. thats certainly what I feel. what seems the easy thing to do. work more and harder.

but I do love the issue of my two worlds. one that just wants me to stare at her. the other that requires my intellectual thoughts and management. I forgot the other. probably much like how I forgot God is wanting the same. to wait. to sit on the lap. and stare. and enjoy.

And so I want little Kruzie to take the pacifer, so she can be pre-occupied and I can get back to work. and on the other hand, it feels like a great thing I need more of. a baby who needs me. who just wants to stare at me. and I probably, honestly, just need to stare right back more. and enjoy. I can already see that being a great challenge in the years ahead. will I work with her on my lap. will I plug her into a pacifer, a DVD, a flurry of activities at school, and in life, or will I enjoy her. and be in her presence.

so, as you can imagine. I probably need to go do that.